Ok, so I’m breaking my own rule and posting on my blog before the official relaunch in June. The universe is persistently pursuing me today. I can’t ignore it anymore, so here we go.
Have you ever been on the verge of a new stage, a birthing of sorts, in your life? You know the kind that is significant enough that fear, doubt and worry try to stop you? Me too.
I’m right there.
Commitment and passion have been my constant companions these past few days and then today, I had a long day. It wasn’t a “bad” day per se, just a long one. The things I wanted to get done, was so excited and enthused to get done, didn’t happen. I got discouraged. And then I took a trip down the trail.
Do you know which trail I mean? The fear, doubt and worry trail that’s as instinctual and primal as fight or flight? The breaking into a new season that I’ve been experiencing these past few days became too much. It was all too much. The new season was suddenly impossible.
There were these ugly little thoughts floating in my head like, “I’m never going to get to where I want to be in life”, “I can’t see the way forward”, “Who do I think I am”, “Everybody else can do it better than me”.
I was having a pity party with Oscar-esque drama. I was letting those insane thoughts parade around on stage and I was handing out the rewards!
Except there was something that wouldn’t let me go.
In my prayer book this morning, I went through a prayer to Sophia (This is Lady Wisdom in the Bible) for Guidance. There were journaling prompts that I worked through. I was searching through my present life situations for those areas where I needed Wisdom. I went to Wisdom and asked for guidance. Then my action for today was to receive wisdom regarding my present situation.
This juxtaposition of crazy thoughts and whispered prayer parked me at the intersection of fear and wisdom, discomfort and growth. And then Wisdom started speaking to me. “Shh. Look over here, precious daughter.”
Wisdom took on the form of a dear woman I follow on Facebook, Elizabeth Gilbert. (Yes, that one. The one who wrote “Eat, Pray, Love”). Her post today was about letting Love do the directing in our lives rather than Fear. One foot came out of the web.
Then, Wisdom turned up on Instagram when a friend posted a picture from Holy Tomato Too that said, “Worry is a misuse of imagination.” There was the other foot. I stepped with somewhat shaky feet back on to optimistic ground.
Then Wisdom spoke sweetly and innocently through my daughter. We were sitting down to color and she chose an owl mandala for me. The deal was sealed. Wisdom embodied in this beautiful bird. Wisdom, granting me the ability to see in the dark, to see past the lies and deceptions that fear, worry and doubt so unrelentingly try to shout at me.
I felt my spirit explode in my chest. “Fear, you are NOT the boss of me!” The words resounded in my ears and made my heart beat faster. Back was my resolve. Back was my commitment.
Wisdom stood with me as the pain it took to change became less than the pain that was present in the face of staying the same. So this week starts off with an encouragement to embrace what’s in your life. All of it. The pain, the beauty and the mess. Lean into all of it. Be filled with gratitude and love. I’m right there with you.